if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
