i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
