come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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