I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This is the high leading the old right now
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
