my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
