'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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