I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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