I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
