I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
