My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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