Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How external is "for external use only"?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
