i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
