You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
