my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
