The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
