Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
