youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Randomize
