I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
