i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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