He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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