Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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