First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
