we're chasing vodka with high fives
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
