she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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