true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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