Say something about gay babies.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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