my mouth tastes like poor choices
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
