Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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