my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
