I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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