i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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