my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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