So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I look better un-naked...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
