life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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