two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the day after is always just damage control
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
