Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize