An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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