I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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