just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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