Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
