I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
