"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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