It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
