just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
