I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
