I just cut my nipple shaving
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
