Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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