well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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