Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
