he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I want to be your penis for a week.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Randomize
