I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
