I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
