My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
