Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Randomize
