I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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