So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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