I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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