You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
