my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
