and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize