Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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