Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
