THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
