Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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