Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
